His Proudest Moments
by punkyrockz
Summary: Beast Boy's struggle with depression isn't about to go away. And he finally need to confront everyone about it.


Garfield wasn't sure when it happened. It could have been a month, or maybe even a year ago, but he knows it happened. Garfield had always pretended around the Titans. Beast Boy was stupid, idiotic, and always cracking horrible jokes. Garfield had a higher IQ than Einstein, he spoke Swahili more fluently than English, well, Beast Boy and Garfield did, but that was besides the point, people seemed to think that Garfield was funny. Garfield had a flaw, one bigger than Beast Boy's mess of mask. No, Garfield was depressed. He always had been. Garfield would take medicine and hang over the top of tall buildings and think about over dosing and push people away. Garfield was sensitive and would starve himself and cry when triggered. But that wasn't Beast Boy. Beast Boy was the fun loving, playful Teen Titan. Beast Boy was cracking though.

Garfield was seeing the world once again through his own eyes. And boy it was horrible. But, Garfield pushed through. He hid his depression meds and took them in secret. He pretended nothing was wrong. It was Garfield's second year of pretending, when it broke. When Beast Boy broke and Garfield was left to defend himself. It was in the middle of a situation too.

Garfield was walking to the pharmacy by himself. He needed to refill his presubscription. He has been having it secretly refilled for years. This was routine. But what happened next wasn't.

Garfield was grabbed from behind and shoved into the alley. He grunted from the force and ignored the pain in his head from hitting the brick.

"Money. Now." those were the only two words this man needed when there was a gun pressed to your head.

"I don't have any. Now let me go." Garfield fought against the man weakly.

"Where do you think you are going freak?" he hissed.

Beast Boy shattered right there. _Freak. _It was that one word that did him over. The one word that triggered him more than anything. Garfield didn't even have time to shift before the mugger slugged him. Garfield bent over a cry of shock coming through his mouth. He was delivered some knees to the gut and a few more punches before he found himself shifting through the pain and shock. The mugger left him as a fly carefully hovering in the air. Garfield felt the pain in every inch of his being. Not even when he was fighting bad guys did it hurt like that. Garfield grabbing the pill bottle blood still running from his nose and a pounding headache. There were bruises all over his face and chest. Garfield also thought he'd earned himself a concussion. There was no way he could hide this from the Titans anymore.

Garfield walked all of the way back to the tower trying to delay the inevitable. As he walked he thought of what he was going to say, how he was going to tell them. Garfield threw back a couple pills before finally shifting to fly across the bay.

Garfield landed and with the pill bottle still in hand, headed for the living room. Garfield didn't really want to make a big deal. He eased into it. In fact there wasn't really an 'it'. Garfield simply set the pills on top of the counter and headed for the fridge.

He waited for the bait to be taken.

It was Robin, who looked up at the sound of the pills, that took the bait. He reached over carefully with a gloved hand and snatched the pill bottle from the counter.

Garfield turned around with an apple in his hand. Garfield let Robin have a second to start to scan the label before crying.

"Hey!" he reached over and snapped the bottle from his hands. No one seemed to notice the lack of the word 'dude'. "Those are mine." Garfield held onto them tightly shooting Robin an accusing glare.

"Beast Boy, why do you have medication for depression?" Robin asked pointedly. This had gained the attention of Cyborg who paused the video game to listen.

"Why do you think Robin? Now leave it alone." he moved get leave but Robin stopped him. "How long has this been going on?"

"What?"

"The depression." Robin gave him a look.

Garfield shrugged, "I don't know, since I was eight or nine. It doesn't matter Robin. I've been living with it for a long time." Garfield took a deep breath as he felt them. The tears that he was determined not to fall. Garfield hadn't been himself for a long time.

"No, I can't just leave it alone. Why didn't you tell us Beast Boy?" Robin demanded. He took the pills again and began to examine the label closer.

"Don't call me that." Garfield muttered.

"What?" Robin asked frowning.

"Don't call me that name." Garfield repeated louder.

"What? Beast Boy? That's your name isn't it?" Robin asked. "And what happened to you? And your face?"

At his inquiry Garfield finally lost it. He broke into painful tears and the force had his nose bleeding again. And what happened next only made him cry harder. Robin was comforting him, well, comforting as best that a Robin can. He grabbed Garfield when he legs gave out and he carefully set him on top of the counter.

Robin disappeared for a moment and returned to give him something to hold to his nose as Robin tended to the rest of his face wiping away tears every once in a while.

Garfield soon gathered himself and the next time that Robin went to wipe away tears he flinched away. "I'm sorry Robin." he apologized.

"Why are you apologizing, there is nothing for you to be sorry for." Robin spoke in one of the caring tones he has ever used.

"I didn't know you could do kind and caring." Garfield remarked and at the look on Robin's face he immediately started to stutter out apologizes again.

"No, it's fine. Just because I don't act like it doesn't mean I care." Robin looked at him, "What was with the sarcastic remark?"

Garfield held the rag up to his nose again, "Jokes and sarcasm. It's kind of my defense mechanism. So is acting like I don't understand. I don't really mean it Robin." he grabbed Robin's arm as he had turned to grab something else for his face.

Robin stopped and looked over at Garfield's hurt and sad face, as if he was asking for forgiveness. "Do you want to tell me what happened to your face?"

Garfield sniffed, "Some guy was trying to mug me. He didn't like that I didn't have anything. He got me in the gut a few times too before I got away." Garfield explained. "I was trying to get to the pharmacy. I didn't want to draw attention to myself." he grunted as Robin wiped something over a cut by his eye.

Robin nodded, "We can look at ribs and bruising later. I don't know why you didn't just fight back or shift away before he could do anything."

"It's not that simple. He had a gun and he triggered me." Garfield spit.

"Triggered?"

"It means it triggers my depression. Trust me, I have a lot." Garfield pulled the rag away his nose had finally stopped bleeding. "I was to lost to shift until I was knocked out of it."

"And what triggers your depression?" Robin asked like it was an easy concept. Like the weather.

"A lot of things Robin. Words like stupid, fat, being forgotten, not understanding something, being pushed away, being told I'm nothing, being told to get lost, that someone hates me." Garfield paused, "And then there's the two worst ones, the ones that really get me. _Monster. Freak._" Garfield finished.

Robin looked heavy. So many insults, situations, from not only his team mates but himself. They all, wether consciously or not, had triggered him at some point. He felt like a horrible leader.

"Why didn't you tell any of us Beas-, I mean, Garfield." Robin corrected remembering his horrible reaction to his superhero name.

"I'm already abnormal enough Robin. I can barely read or write English, I'm small for my age and I'm freaking green. Puke green Robin! Being sick doesn't have to be on the list." he muttered.

"But it is on the list. It has been Gar. You should have told us. We would have helped you." Robin closed the first aid kit. He had finally finished cleaning up the younger boy.

Garfield nodded looking down and away from Robin. "I understand. I guess I should tell the girls. They both deserve to know."

Robin placed his hand on Garfield's shoulders. "You don't have to tell them right away."

Garfield shook his head, "No. They need to know. Especially Raven."

It was only a few minutes before there was a meeting called, and Garfield was the one speaking. He hadn't even opened his mouth before Raven made a remark.

"I see anyone can call a meeting now." she muttered.

Garfield stiffened and fought back the numb that was creeping back to him. "I just needed to be honest with you guys. I haven't been completely honest and I need to come clean."

Garfield's hands were shaking with anxiety. He took a deep breath. "I'm sick. And I have been since you guys met me. But it's getting out of control. I need to tell you guys."

Garfield closed his eyes taking another deep breath. "So, when I was about eight my guardian noticed that I was a very sad child I wasn't active. It took a lot for me to get out of bed. I isolated myself from other children. So, he took me to the doctor. I have had depression since I was diagnosed at eight years old. And, I had it under control." He hesitated. "I was taking my medication and pretending everything was fine but-" he paused, "but stuff happens, and triggers become too much. And sometimes I can't think of a reason to get out of bed. And sometimes I'm not in it, or motivated. And my sarcasm has just becomes a defense mechanism. And I just wanted you guys to know, because I'm tired. I'm tired of pretending to be happy all of the time when I'm just struggling." Garfield was breathing heavily. A few tears had made it's way down and he could feel it. The numb, cold, that was creeping up on him. Garfield wiped away the tears. "So, I'm done. That's all I needed to say." Garfield walked away from his team and he could hear Starfire asking what the depress of ion was. He didn't even want to imagine Raven's reaction.

—

The team saw how much Beast Boy was faking within the next day. The boy, who was ok with being called Beast Boy again, didn't surface from his room until past noon. They knew he was awake. They heard music going in his room. He was telling the truth when he said sometimes he couldn't get out of bed.

"Just keep me moving. Sometimes it just stalls the inevitable, sometimes it stops it." Beast Boy explained when the team had quizzed him on things to help him. And they used these things.

Raven, who had learned quickly what not to say to him, was the main contributor. She was assigned with getting him to eat and out of bed. Cyborg was the one that usually kept him occupied but Robin and Starfire sometimes took that role.

Robin became the one that listened when Beast Boy needed to vent or cry. He would hold him until he was all done, until the tears stopped coming.

Starfire became one of the best at keeping up his spirits. Her quirkiness in the first place helped but she knew just what to ask him. The two constantly flew together around the city. Something that they all learned really helped Beast Boy.

There were some good days. When it felt like everything was normal. But there were also bad days. Days that took more than just Raven to get him out of bed. More than a simple video game competition. More than simply letting him cry it out. Those were the days that they were just stalling the inevitable. Eventually Beast Boy had to raise his dosage but no one saw that as a set back. In fact, it helped him. And one day, one of his good days, he kissed Raven. She had come to see if he was awake and he kissed her. And the best part was, she kissed back.

The two became a couple within the next month. Beast Boy moved into Raven's room in the next six months. This made it easier when he couldn't find the strength to get out of bed. When he couldn't find reason. And every once in a while, he could get out of bed by himself. And those were his proudest days.


End file.
